This is not a topic I thought I would be writing about during the holiday season.  However, with all the hoopla and continual revelations around Tiger Woods I am compelled to share with you some sobering facts about infidelity and how it impacts children.

While we are out and about, trying to buy the perfect gifts, hanging the Christmas lights or preparing for company, it may be easy to pretend that everything is OK with our relationships and that spending lots of money or creating the ‘perfect’ holiday will make up for the tension and hurt that people feel when a spouse is not faithful.

Most of us are not public figures and our indiscretions go unnoticed by the general population.  The hurt and anger that is felt when a partner is betrayed by infidelity not only destroys marriages but also sets in motion an emotional wound in the children that impacts their lives forever.  Celebrity or not, we all need to think about the consequences of our actions.

According to statistics 90% of Americans think that adultery is wrong and yet it is predicted that 60% of men and 40% of women will have at least one extramarital affair. The same source (The Monogamy Myth, 2003) suggests that at least 17% of divorce is caused by one partner’s indiscretions.

Much has been written about the effects of divorce upon children. Does anyone care about the staggering results of recent studies? While divorce is difficult under any condition, the strongest effect has been noticed in the cases of abandonment and infidelity.

Children are capable of sensing what is going on in their home.  They know what love is and they can feel the tension when something is wrong between mom and dad.  They can’t just ‘be good’ when the energy in the home is filled with sadness and anger.  When a parent has an affair with someone else, it means that the adult has stopped loving the other spouse and the children also feel that they are no longer loved. Many kids really believe that if only they had behaved better, dad and mom would still love each other.  No matter how much the parent insists that the children are still loved, the stability and security of ‘home’ is gone.  This can shake the essential foundation of a child’s world.

It also means that the very people who create the rules don’t have to keep their own commitments and that even the BIG rules can be broken.

Our children learn more about life from what they see us do than what we preach to them.  We can lecture them about responsibility, perseverance, and accountability but when we destroy their world by choosing to have an extra marital affair our words about how THEY SHOULD BEHAVE carry little weight.

Our children begin to see us as hypocrites and their wounded hearts are affected forever.  When we cheat, we teach our children that it is OK to lie, deceive and disregard others.  The statistics are screaming that children of cheaters grow up to struggle in their adult relationships and have affairs in their own marriages.

Is this the heritage we want to pass on to our children and grandchildren?

News reports are filled with the sordid details and speculations about Tiger Wood’s indiscretions. Saturday Night Live poked fun with a controversial spoof.  His wife is reported to be asking for lots of money.  Who’s thinking about his two kids? How will they learn about their father’s affairs and what affect will this all have on them as they grow into adulthood? The same courage and determination that is required of a sports hero is also needed to be a father.

This holiday season, as we listen to the beautiful music and hang the lovely decorations it behooves us all to reflect on our own choices and behavior.  Once we become parents we have got to BE the role models our children need us to be.  We can no longer pretend to be spiritual, caring human beings while sneaking into the back shadows for extra marital affairs.  According to statistics six out of every 10 dads and four out of every 10 moms have had at least one affair.  Most people think that they will not be caught.

Are you willing to bet your child’s emotional life on that?

This is a season of love and good will.  We all have the opportunity to turn this one special season into 12 months of love and good intentions.  You can stop looking for the perfect gift for your kids.  What they want more than anything is for their parents to get their acts together, to learn how to love unconditionally and to focus their energy on creating a safe haven in a place called ‘home.’

Tiger Woods can afford to buy his kids anything they want but money can’t buy want they want.  The spirit of authentic love and a heart filled with integrity cannot be bought.

I hope that the true spirit of LOVE is with you in the next few weeks and carried throughout the New Year. You and your children deserve it.

Happy Holidays,

Sandi

Sandi gives free parenting classes, sponsored by First 5 Riverside, at Mt San Jacinto College at both the Menifee and San Jacinto campuses. For Information call: 639-5605

Tags: sandi schwartz, SWRNN, Tiger Woods

This entry was posted on Monday, December 7th, 2009 at 9:04 pm and is filed under Blogs, Columns, Education, Health, News . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.