Politics, religion and spanking
I realized there are three topics that should never be discussed on a beautiful sunny day: politics, religion and spanking.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Sandi Schwartz
“Do you believe in spanking?” That was the question I was recently asked while enjoying a boat ride around San Diego harbor.
It was soon after this question was asked that I realized there are three topics that should never be discussed on a beautiful sunny day: politics, religion and spanking. Each of these subjects has the capability of changing the energy in a group of people from friendly to intense within a few moments.
The concepts of G-d, political parties and spanking can spark a dynamic conversation with the explosive energy of a Molotov cocktail. Innocent banter can quickly morph into a heated debate, changing social pleasantries into impassioned arguments. I knew this about politics and religion but I continue to be amazed at what happens when a seemingly ‘mild mannered’ group of people begin talking about the subject of spanking.
I have a theory as to why the topic of spanking triggers so much emotion:
Parents tell children that they love them. Frustration causes parents to spank in order to get their kids to listen. The very children whom we adore we then hurt. It doesn’t matter if we spank out of love or anger; we still hurt them physically and emotionally. We create confusion.
Why would a big person hurt a little person, especially when they are told they are loved?
We say it is for the kid’s own good. But it doesn’t feel good. We try to make ourselves feel better and justify spanking by saying it works. We add validation to it by saying we were spanked and it didn’t harm us. We are actually lying through our teeth. We would have traded spankings for a more appropriate, loving and productive approach. Our parents just didn’t know another way. We could learn another way but most of us are too lazy. Ouch! I know that hurts.
I like to ask parents how they would feel if teachers were allowed to spank children in school. Most parents respond by saying, “Oh, no, only the parent should be allowed to do that.” Can you see the insanity in this thinking?
If spanking is ‘good for them’ and if it ‘works so well’ why not use it?
If we could get honest with ourselves we would find the place of truth within us that knows there must be a better way.
In the 40 years that I have worked with children I have watched skilled teachers inspire, motivate and navigate large groups of children through their day without yelling, punishing or spanking.
There are, indeed, other approaches that teach responsibility, good decision making and empathy. It is the courageous parent who seeks out a path that supports the wisdom of effective, loving communication. Knowing where your true power lies without having to resort to physical punishment is one of the best gifts parents can give to their children.
It is true that spanking works in getting momentary compliance but it also creates long lasting negative side effects.
Those of us who were spanked want to believe that it did not harm us. If we were willing to go into our deepest places we would find the wounds that were inflicted by parents who hurt us in the name of love. Most adults don’t want to go there. We would rather live on anti depressants than face the pain from our own childhoods.
All I’m asking is that we do not pass this along to the next generation.
As a modern society we are making so many advances in technology and science that surely we are capable of making advances in parenting skills. All it takes is willingness.
Are you willing?
The next few columns will offer some suggestions and techniques used by parents and teachers that have proven track records for encouraging cooperative behavior without having to resort to punishments or spankings. I hope you’ll make a New Year’s commitment to embrace them and use them your lives.
Back to the original question: Do I believe in spanking?
I am willing to entertain the idea of spanking if we make it a universally approved method of getting people to do what we want. If it is such a great idea let’s use it on everyone, adults included. Until that time, let’s find a better way.
Sandi teaches free parenting workshops sponsored by First 5 Riverside at Mt San Jacinto College on both the Menifee and San Jacinto campuses. For information call: 951 639-5605.
Tags: First 5 Riverside, Lake Elsinore, Menifee, mt. san jacinto college, Murrieta, parenting, parenting yips, San Jacinto, sandi schwartz, spanking, SWRNN, Temecula, wildomar
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- Honest to God
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Comment by: PDeverit Posted: January 4, 2010, 2:59 pm
Child buttock-battering vs. DISCIPLINE:
Child buttock-battering for the purpose of gaining compliance is nothing more than an inherited bad habit.
Its a good idea for people to take a look at what they are doing, and learn how to DISCIPLINE instead of hit.
I think the reason why television shows like “Supernanny” and “Dr. Phil” are so popular is because that is precisely what many (not all) people are trying to do.
There are several reasons why child bottom-slapping isn’t a good idea. Here are some good, quick reads recommended by professionals:
Plain Talk About Spanking
by Jordan Riak,
The Sexual Dangers of Spanking Children
by Tom Johnson,
NO VITAL ORGANS THERE, So They Say
by Lesli Taylor M.D. and Adah Maurer Ph.D.
Most compelling of all reasons to abandon this worst of all bad habits is the fact that buttock-battering can be unintentional sexual abuse for some children. There is an abundance of educational resources, testimony, documentation, etc available on the subject that can easily be found by doing a little research with the recommended reads-visit http://www.nospank.net.
Just a handful of those helping to raise awareness of why child bottom-slapping isn’t a good idea:
American Academy of Pediatrics,
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry,
Center For Effective Discipline,
PsycHealth Ltd Behavioral Health Professionals,
Churches’ Network For Non-Violence,
Nobel Peace Prize recipient Archbishop Desmond Tutu,
Parenting In Jesus’ Footsteps,
Global Initiative To End All Corporal Punishment of Children,
United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child.
In 26 countries, child corporal punishment is prohibited by law (with more in process). In fact, the US was the only UN member that did not ratify the Convention on the Rights of the Child.
Comment by: Software Parental Posted: January 5, 2010, 3:23 am
Very good read. Does anyone know a good programs I can get to monitor my sons PC?? I reall need it. The brat is getting into trouble.
Comment by: Mothersson2002 Posted: January 5, 2010, 6:25 am
This is a petttion to ban corporal punishment of children:http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/america39s-behind–ban-the-physical-assault-of-children
Comment by: M Posted: January 6, 2010, 1:03 pm
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,581882,00.html
Young children spanked by their parents may grow up to be happier and more successful than those who have never been hit, a study has found.
According to the research, children spanked up to the age of 6 were likely as teenagers to perform better at school and were more likely to carry out volunteer work and to want to go to college than their peers who had never been physically disciplined.
But children who continued to be spanked into adolescence showed clear behavioral problems.
Children’s groups and lawmakers in the UK have tried several times to have physical chastisement by parents outlawed, the Times of London reported. They claim it is a form of abuse that causes long-term harm to children and say banning it would send a clear signal that violence is unacceptable.
However, Marjorie Gunnoe, professor of psychology at Calvin College in Grand Rapids, Michigan, said her study showed there was insufficient evidence to deny parents the freedom to choose how they discipline their children.
“The claims made for not spanking children fail to hold up. They are not consistent with the data,” said Gunnoe. “I think of spanking as a dangerous tool, but there are times when there is a job big enough for a dangerous tool. You just don’t use it for all your jobs.”
Research into the effects of spanking was previously hampered by the inability to find enough children who had never been spanked, given its past cultural acceptability.
But Gunnoe’s work drew on a study of 2,600 people, about a quarter of whom had never been physically chastised.
Comment by: Fred Posted: January 12, 2010, 1:00 pm
I am thankful that my parents spanked me on a regular basis. I grew up in the 60’s, and was a rotten kid. I got into trouble all the time because I intelligent was not challenged by the schools. If I were going to school now I would most certainly be diagnosed with ADHD and drugged into submission. Instead, I got regular spankings and ended up as a normal healthy adult that understands that there are consequences for not following the rules. I work at a community college and see every day the results of children who were not spanked. They have no discipline and have never had to deal with consequences.