Sandi Schwartz

The events in Haiti offer an opportunity for us to reflect on the way we talk with our children about their feelings.

Many of us were raised in homes where feelings (other than anger) were not expressed.  In fact, many adults have learned to shut down their relationship to their inner world and pass this disconnection on to their children. When a disaster strikes and we watch the devastation over and over on our televisions it is hard to escape the emotional impact.

The earthquake and its aftermath give us an opening to acknowledge the relationship between children’s feelings and their behavior. There is a direct correlation between what children feel and how they act.  A parent who understands and uses this phenomenon will need to yell, punish and spank less.

The same way our kids are exposed to the photos, stories and reports coming from the destruction in Haiti, they are exposed to the drama, stories and photos in their heads from their real lives.

We cannot ignore the fact that our children are affected by their experiences.  Some kids have trouble focusing in school, falling asleep at night or getting along with others due to the ’stuff’ of their lives. It is tricky for parents to know how to help their children deal with the feelings that swell up inside and trigger responses that come out in unwanted behavior.

Here are some tips for helping children get in touch with their feelings.  You can use these for talking about the situation in Haiti and for any real situation in your child’s life:

• Look for a quiet place where you can talk with your child. Some favorite spots might be your bed, the floor in your child’s room, the car- Welcome your safe place and use it often.
• Begin with a statement that invites honesty. You can say something like this: “I was wondering what you are thinking about what is happening in Haiti.” You can use this “I was wondering” approach for any issue.
• If they have questions, provide them simple, accurate information without your own feelings coloring the facts. If they express feelings, just listen. Never judge their emotions or tell them they shouldn’t have the feeling. You can say, “I can see how this makes you sad/angry…. Or “It sounds like you are afraid…” Reflecting back what they are sharing is a wonderful way of bonding with them.
• Really listen to them. Don’t try to fix anything. Telling a child not to cry, insisting that ‘everything will be OK’ doesn’t honor the moment. Encourage the immediate feelings to be released. (If you use this technique & they are angry with you it will probably be harder to listen without getting defensive, but your willingness to let their feelings be expressed will be the opening for an improved relationship.)
• Once the feelings are expressed and reflected, you can reassure your child. Let him know he is loved and safe and that you are there to take care of him.
• Encourage your younger child to draw pictures and tell

stories about the illustrations.  This is a wonderful way to find out what is happening inside his head and heart.

• During times of stress it is really helpful to have more bonding experiences. Physical togetherness and snuggling with children provide them with reassurances that they are safe. Spend extra family time together; play board games or go for walks.
• Encourage your child to gain a sense of empowerment. Ask him if there is anything he might do that would help him feel better. Taking an action is usually a step toward improved feelings.
• Connect with the power of visualization. Help him reclaim a sense of well being by imagining the situation improving. Suggest that he close his eyes and create a movie of how the negative condition might morph into a positive outcome. Ask what he would do if he had the ability to make things better. Encourage the power of his imagination!

As we send our love, prayers and assistance to the people of Haiti, we can also use this time to reflect on our own lives.

Find some time this week to sit with your children and honor the blessings in your immediate world. Share gratitude lists. Play the appreciation game.  (That’s when you describe what you appreciate about a member of the family and everyone has to guess who it is.)  As you encourage the best in each other and listen, reflect and respect the depth of your feelings, you will allow in the miracles that bring lasting happiness.

Tags: Haiti, sandi schwartz, SWRNN

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 19th, 2010 at 4:34 pm and is filed under Blogs, Columns, Health, Local News . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.